the beginning.

Day #373 (Goodbye)

Three hundred and seventy three days of unparalleled joy, unprecedented laughs and special firsts. It’s hard to believe it’s been more than a year already. It seems like Annie was just born yesterday, still a small peanut without a name. How could she already be walking, smiling, getting teeth, learning to talk? When I look at her, she seems fully grown, a real person with a real personality. I have to take a step back, take a moment, to realize that she’s still a baby. I can hardly believe that she’s already one, and yet I can hardly believe that she’s only one. She’s so small and so big at the very same time.

Her birthday went well. She was spoiled rotten (what else could we have expected?) and now our room is crowded with gifts. She got a “My First Kitchen”, a doll and a carriage for it, a toy organizer, a toy box, a little tykes big wheel and so much more.

Besides Annie, a lot is changing in our lives. My parents sold our house and we’re moving into a new one not too far away. We’re no longer living part time at Connor’s house, because during a bad fight, his mother accused me of being dettatched from Annie and being a bad mother. Although we made up, it really hurt, and I’m not sure if I’m ready to forgive. I’m in my last year of high school; only 3 and a half months left. I’ve become really great friends with a pregnant friend of mine, N. Connor has started at Mount Royal University in the History program. Annie goes to her dayhome full time now, and she’s really enjoying it.

As for Connor and I, I think we’re doing okay as well. I have dreams about marrying him quite often, and I really can’t wait. We’re engaged to be engaged, sort of, and I’m so excited to one day be his wife.

I called Octavia Press a few days ago, and they’re willing to bind these entries in leather (once they’re printed of course) for a mere 60 dollars. I’ll give the journal to Annie once she’s older, and for now, it will remain in her baby box.

To be honest, I wish this wasn’t the last post. For the record, I’m not deleting the tumblr. I’m just not going to post anymore. Why? No one is reading, aside from a few people, and I barely have time between looking after Annie and going to school. However, this year will be a new journey for me. Abberant, yes. But new nonetheless. I think it’s time to say goodbye to this journal because I no longer want to live in the past. I don’t want to continue thinking about P and C, about the hard times we’ve gone through, about all of the difficulties we’ve endured. They made me who I am today and I will never forget them, but for now, I don’t need a constant reminder. I also know that this blog has helped me to realize who I am. I am not just one single thing. I am not just a mother, girlfriend, daughter, teenager or bestfriend. I am all of these things at the very same time. Each is important, and I try to embrace them all every single day. If you’re reading this, I want to thank you for accompanying me on this journey. Through all of your support and understanding, I’ve grown into what I believe is a mature, compassionate woman. I hope in the future to make a new blog and hopefully speak to you all again one day. For now, I’m going to say goodbye. I hope this coming year is as beautiful as the last. Wish me luck on my new abberant journey and know that I will never forget any of you.

The End?

After my last post, I had one like and one comment. That was it. So for the two of you who still care, thank you. You know who you are. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me and how you’ve supported me for the last year and a half. However, I don’t have the time to keep up with this blog, especially if no one is reading. I will officially close my tumblr on September 7th, 2011. It will be the last day, Annie’s first birthday. I hope I haven’t disappointed anyone. I’ve come a long way since my first post and everything has changed. I have changed. I am so grateful for all the help I’ve been given, the advice I’ve been offered and the friendships I’ve made. I never imagined the day this tumblr would end, but now that my online journey is coming to an end, I’m glad for everything it has given me. Through this tumblr, I was able to learn so much about myself and the world around me. And while I started off as a fifteen year old child, nervous and unprepared for the future, I have grown. I am now a seventeen year old mother, still as nervous and unprepared as before, but I have new hope. It has presented itself in the form of my wonderful daughter, Anne-Mari.

The one dream I’ve held onto my whole life was to create something beautiful. I did it. I had my baby, and now my only goal is to raise her with the wisdom and love that I have recieved through this tumblr and the many amazing relationships God has graced me with. I would like her to read all this one day and be proud of what I’ve tried to accomplish for her. I would like her to see me as not only her mother, but her very best friend. Most of all, I would like her to see beauty in all things, as I have learnt to do.

This is not the last entry, but it is amongst the last. I am sorry to say goodbye, and yet I know it only means I am embarking on a new abberant journey. One that will hopefully lead to spectacular, beautiful memories and experiences. Thank you all again for being there for me, reaching out to a stranger, and helping me to raise my child through your undying and unconditional support.

Like I said in my last post, I’m not getting any feedback from anyone anymore. So this is a test to see if I should shut down my tumblr. Reblog, like it or send me a message if you think I should keep my tumblr. :)

Day #291

Its been 2 months since I last posted, give or take a week. I don’t really have an excuse, I’m not going to drone on about how I was busy and haven’t had a chance to get on. Truth is, I feel like nobody reads this anymore. I have a few followers, but still, I feel like nobody cares. I know that’s dumb, but I can’t help it. Despite the invisibility I feel, I’ll tell you all what’s going on. I never did get the job at the gap, but I did get hired for part time seasonal work at aritzia. Its okay, pretty tedious work. Unpack clothes, hang them up, mark down items for sales. Connor and I are… Well. We’re doing alright, I suppose. I love him so much, that’s for sure. And I know he loves me too. But lately, all we do is fight. He annoys me with the stupidest things and I yell for no reason. Honestly, we’re less of a couple and more a pair of acquaintances looking after a child. We don’t get much alone time together and even when we do, we don’t have much to say. We’re always so exhausted that by the time Annie is asleep, we just want to lay down and rest. Which brings me to a point that might make some of you uncomfortable. For the past few months, I haven’t wanted to… You know. Even when we’re all alone and have the perfect opportunity, I just don’t want it. I wish I did. I don’t know why I feel the way I do. I just can’t seem to want it. Maybe there’s something wrong with me. I wish I could ask someone why I feel the way I do, but I’m too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it. Annie is ten months next week. She has 6 teeth and is almost walking. However, she has taken to a new action that is starting to cause quite a problem. Two, actually. First off, she is a spoiled brat who throws a hissy fit when she doesn’t get what she wants. This leads to the second issue, which is that when she doesn’t get what she wants, she bites. Take this morning for example, she wanted my glasses. When I wouldn’t give them to her, she grabbed my finger, bit it and screamed at the top of her lungs in anger. I don’t really know how to handle it. What should I do? Besides all that, everything is fine. Annie is starting at a day home in the fall and Connor is majoring in history at Mount Royal. I’ll go to school until January and then start working full time. But for now, for today, we’re heading to Radium for Canada Day. Annie’s first camping trip. I’ll keep you posted. :)